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Wednesday, January 04, 2006


This I Swear...

I have mentioned several times that since Christmas Day I've been having some really weird ass dreams. Folks, they've continued...I just haven’t mentioned them in the last couple posts. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Two nights ago I had a dream where I was being chased by John Malkovich who wanted to murder me. Night before last I was the general manager of The Overlook Hotel (you know, from The Shining). I had a crew of hot sexy maids working for me who would leave me comments via a hand written message box system every night after their shifts were over. They were hot! You should have seen their uniforms. Anyway...enough about that dream. Last night was certainly the most over the top and realistic dream I’ve had in a while. The subjects of the dream were a couple I’ve never met, but feel like I know all too well. Due in part mostly because of their MTV reality show. In my dream my good friend, Nick Lachey, enlisted my help in getting he and his estranged wife Jessica Simpson back together. Yes, it’s true... Take a moment and click here on this video link. It’s such a moving and beautiful love song sung by my good friend Nick. Go ahead, I’ll wait... Nick Lachey - This I Swear See, isn't it great? Never a more perfect anthem celebrating love and commitment has ever been written or performed. So, in the dream I’m hanging out with Nick at his house watching an Ohio State football game and drinking Miller Lite. During each commercial I’m trying to get him to forget his failed marriage and go with me to a strip club where he can spend his money on me having a few lap dances. Unfortunately all he can talk about is Jessica. He refuses to listen to reason. Then somewhere early in the fourth quarter he finally seems to understand what it is I’m saying; simply put...lap dances are important. We go to this real swanky gentleman’s club somewhere in L.A. and sit near the stage, while continuing to drink Miller Lite. At one point Nick gets up to go take a piss, and get more money from the ATM, and I happen to notice a sexy blond working her way through the crowd of men. As she gets closer I realize that it’s Jessica Simpson. I remember being amazed that I was seeing the Jessica Simpson Lachey walking through the collection of men, wearing only a lace bra, thong and "boots made for walking". She comes over to where I’m sitting and takes the seat Nick had left a few moments before. She looks me over and says, “Hey Stud, would you like a private dance?” I look her up and down and say something like, “Personally I would like nothing better, but I have a good friend who’d like one much more.” The next thing I can remember was the two of them connecting eye to eye across the room and then disappearing into the “private dance” area of the club. I recall sitting there, knowing they were re-hooking up, and watching Melissa Gilbert (yeah, I know...totally weird) dance on stage. At this point I woke up and went to take a piss myself. Once finished I quickly got back under the sheet and comforter and rejoined my dream, already in progress. The last thing I dreamt, before I awoke for the day, was me singing at their rededication ceremony. What did I belt forth with the gusto of 20 Grammy winners? This I Swear, by Nick Lachey. There wasn’t a dry eye in the place. I’m so ready for these freaky dreams to be over!

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