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Thursday, December 22, 2005


Vagina Land....

I’ve just come in from a half day of shopping for Christmas Presents. I am now officially finished with my shopping for this year. Now all I have to do is sit back and see the smiling faces of my loved ones as they open their gifts. My five year old son said the strangest thing to me today in the car. He looked me straight in the eye, via the rear view mirror, and said, “Dad do you want to go to Vagina Land?” After my daughter and I had composed ourselves, and once she’d finished spitting Dr. Pepper onto the dashboard. I asked, “Why would you ask that?” “Just wondering,” he said, “sounds like a cool place!” He then went back to the Christmas carol he was making up and singing to himself. He’s recently gotten a kick out of learning the words for the male and female genitalia. I’m thinking it was a mistake teaching him the words seeing as he’s called all of us various names like penis and vagina face. But he can’t go through life calling his schlong a “tee-tee”. I just totally never expected him to make the vagina land comment. It was completely out there and unexpected, but it did make me think..... What if there was a Vagina Land? What would it be like? In my ever so creative mind I began to ponder on this question as I continued to drive home. In my mind Vagina Land would be like an amusement park. There would be all kinds of exciting rides and attractions. Take the Vagina Tunnel of Love for example. You’d ride in a penis shaped boat and stream through the entrance of the Vagina Canal with your lover in your arms. There could also be a flume ride in this park. Instead of a hollowed out log, there would be large tampons that seated six. The water would be dyed red with food coloring and as the tampon plunged down the slope you would splash into a vaginal entrance, getting soaked. How much fun would that be? There could also be a similar ride to the teacups at Disney, only on this one you’d spin round and round in cup shaped diaphragms. The bumper cars would be shaped like swimming sperm and you’d navigate your “sperm car” around a large uterine shaped arena with the goal being to bump into a large spongy egg positioned in the center. While getting to this goal you’d have to bump all the other sperm cars out of the way. Instead of the Haunted House there would be the Stinky Vagina. You’d ride through this structure in large douche shaped bottles, witnessing the horrors of bad vaginal hygiene. There would be the STD Room, the Tuna Room, the Big Bush Room and Smelly Discharge Room to name but a few. Instead of a Hall Of Presidents there would be a Hall of Famous Vaginas. The vaginas of various well known people, (such as Madonna, Susan Sarandon, Hillary Clinton and Barbara Bush) would be large electronic puppets that would speak to the audience about their beliefs, places in history and sexual preferences. Okay, I could go on and on but I won’t...Y’all get the picture right? What an active imagination I have....don’t you think?

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