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Friday, November 18, 2005


Can I get a courtesy flush, please?

The subject of my post today is not a pleasant one. It’s really not something most people talk about, out side of a doctor’s office. It’s simply the kind of thing you just keep to yourself, unless you’re like me and you don’t know when TMI (too much information) is just that...TMI. Well I had a long conversation with Julie about this the other day, and I thought I would talk a little about it here on my blog too. She shared her experiences and practices and I did as well. Who knows? Maybe it will open someone’s eyes and get a dialogue going with some of you. The subject matter of today’s post is..... Various shitting practices, phobias and philosophies, or Chuck's poopie problems. I have always been a little weird about how and when I take a dump. Sometime around my middle school days I developed a fear of using public restrooms for the purposes of going number two. I’ve just always had a thing about the smells, need for privacy and lack of comfort a public restroom brings. Plus there is always the fear of not being able to find a stall that some idiot didn’t already defile with their nasty ways. Like I said before, I like my privacy. One of the worse things, in my opinion, are those busy bathrooms in major airports. Take O’Hare for example....every time I’m there, (and I’ll be there again in two weeks), I’m literally doing my business with ten to twenty other men all around me. The sounds and smells are terrible. Plus those plastic recyclable seat cover things, what’s up with them? Each time it rotates back into the seat I’m just scared shitless that the fresh covering that comes back out, just won’t be so fresh. You know what I mean? As many of you know, I work from home. I’m in my home office at least three days a week. When I’m home I have no restrictions on when I take my daily dumps. The process usually starts sometime around 9am and continues every two hours till 2 or 3 in the afternoon. Thanks to the miracle of wireless internet, laptops and hands free cordless phones I can carry on a lot of my daily business from the potty. On an average day I’m talking on the phone at least two out of the four times I’m sitting on the throne. It’s great, these advancements in science and technology! But the real weird thing is those days I’m not in the office. When I’m out on the road it’s a completely different story. If I leave my home, or hotel before that first urge hits me, I can go all day without squeezing some out. Wednesday was a prime example of this. I was working the food show I mentioned in an earlier post, and as soon as it was over I hit the road back to Alabama. It wasn’t until I was within ten miles of my home that I started getting the familiar urge. As my bowels were screaming I began to it all in my head? It must be. It has to be a mental problem, and not physical. And that takes me back to my early developed fear of public restrooms. I’d love to know what exactly happened, way back then, to cause such a mental blockage of my bowels. It must have been drastic whatever it was. Maybe I could undergo hypnosis and find out...anyway, it’s a strange thing and it doesn’t seem to be very common. Take my wife for example. The whole first year at her job here, after we married, she’d get about half way in her commute every morning and have to pull over somewhere and pinch a loaf. She hated it. Not only did it create a potential for being late to work, she would have to pick and choose where she’s stop. Be it a Starbucks one day, McDonalds the next, or even a dirty BP station....where ever she was, when the urge hit her, she’d have to stop. This became a daily habit for her, until she devised a plan. Her biggest problem was not having the need and going before she left the house, so she began to use Fleet suppositories. She inserts one of those babies and then does her hair, or make-up while it (in her words) “bakes up in there”. Like clockwork she takes her dump, cleans up then heads out on her daily commute. She obviously doesn’t have the pooping issues I have. I wonder if I’d be any different if I had to actually get up and leave the house every morning. So there you have it. I’ve really opened myself up (and my wife who will kill me when she reads this) to you people. Do you think my defecation condition is something I can overcome? Should I seek therapy? Do they have therapists who specialize in rectal habits? I just don’t know. I guess I’ll just keep taking it one day, er...crap at a time. Have a Great Weekend!!

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