Well folks I don’t have much for you today. I feel like a big steaming pile of dog shit. My wife, Susan, came home last Thursday with what turned out to be strep throat and she must have passed it along to yours truly. My sinuses are throbbing as well, so things are just so craptastic around here. I do appreciate all your thoughts on my last post, but I think I’ll abandon the whole ground-chuck-meat-thing. I don’t know what I was thinking.
So why is it that once you’re married your sex life kind of shrivels up and dies? Yeah I know there are some of you who are getting it all the time, and sometimes more than you’d like....but why do I have to be going through such a drought? The first year of our marriage was the worst. There was fighting and (certain forms of) cheating going on left and right by both of us. On one hand we were questioning whether getting married after having only known each other five months was the right thing to do. On the other hand we were having some killer sex. I mean we were constantly driving the beef bus to tuna town
. I was giving the monkey the banana
at least five or six times a week. Now a days? Not so much. I’m lucky if I get to park the pink bus in the fur garage
once or twice a week. And when I do it rarely lasts more than ten minutes. It’s not because I’m busting the nut too early, (although that can happen when you’re not getting regular exercise...if you know what I mean), it’s mostly cause she likes it that way. My wife does like sex, and she loves to cum. She just likes to get it hard and fast, get her rocks off, then get back to Greta Van Susteren. Meanwhile I’ve been huffing and puffing, cause I’m an out of shape fat ass, I got sweat pouring down my face and my balls hurt from their continual slapping of her ass. And then I’m the one who has to get my tired, sweaty ass off the bed and go get the towel to clean up my nut gravy that’s splattered all over her tits and stomach. Damn, I’m getting tired just writing this.
But, it’s not all bad. The sex may not last too long, but she has gotten more into giving oral. Earlier in our courtship and marriage she didn’t like to blow the horn
too often. She claimed to have a bad gag reflex and couldn’t manage to put much of my manhood into her mouth. Lately she’s been willing to spend a decent amount of time playing the pink oboe
. She’s also started doing things with her fingers while she’s sucking. Like stroking my taint
. You know what a taint is don’t you? It’s also known as the chin rest. The area of skin between the anus and the genitals. The word is good for either men or women, if you don’t believe me Google it. Man I just love that...and I’m sure you probably do too. Then there is the total mood killer. Imagine if you will....You’re a man and you’re laying back watching your woman give you some pretty decent head. She’s sucking and stroking and after a while you look at her and say, “Hey baby, don’t forget about the boys
.” So she shifts gears and gives your nut sack a couple licks then rises up and says, “Dude, your balls smell like ass!
” Yeah that really turns me on so much more. Note to self, remember to wash the junk before sex....Then there was this past Saturday. You have me, Chuck, fresh out of the shower ready for some afternoon delight. I’m laying back, all comfy, ready for my woman to do that thing she does that involves her mouth, tongue and hands. She gets in place, takes a couple sucks, then pops you out of her mouth, looks around at your junk and says, “Wow you really haven’t been taking care of yourself down here lately have you?
” Yeah, okay...maybe not. I am usually pretty good about trimming the grass around the tree trunk and shaving the nuts. So I missed a few weeks. Sue me...
Yeah, she’s come a long way in the oral department, so I guess I should be happy. But is it wrong to want it, all of it, a little more frequently? Don’t get me wrong, I love Susan with all my heart. She’s my true love, but dayum we got to do something about the frequency of the sex. Give me Wednesday (humpday) and two, maybe three times on the weekends. I could live with that.
Talk to y’all later....see you on Half -Nekkid Thursday.