What's "Up Chuck"?

Baby powder and cigarettes is how my boss describes the smell of a strip club. Tonight I experienced that aroma. I was invited by a few guys, who are also here for the same reason I am, to go out to a local strip club. I can’t remember the name, but for those of you who live in Huntsville, Alabama you will know it as one of the two across the street from the Super Target. Anyway, I talked with Susan before hand and she gave the trip her blessing but made sure to tell me I could spend no more than $40 on tips and cover charge, and a lap dance was NOT allowed. I hit the joint around 8:30pm and found a seat a good 20 feet from the stage. I was told by the waitress that they don’t take credit cards, so it looks like my $40 will be paying for beer as well. With the purchase of the first Ultra long neck I get a five changed into ones and I begin the ritual of walking up to the stage to tip the ladies. These chicks were giving it their all. The first one was wearing a string bikini along with the top to match. I sat down at the edge of the stage with my dollar, neatly folded long ways, and she promptly pulled her top down and showed me her nipples. She said, and I quote, “Don’t tell anyone, but I don’t have the tape on so I can’t take off my top.” Tape on? I was confused, but I smiled and slid the dollar under her garter. As time went on I continued to tip the ladies as they would dance on stage. I noticed one thing….they were all very slim girls, but they had stretch marks on their flat stomachs. I have since been told that it means they have given birth to various, probably crack addicted, off spring. Anyway, they looked good topless (although with tape on their nipples) and wearing a g-string. Tape on their nipples? What was up with that? Must be a local law or something. As each lady would come down from stage they would make their way around the room, thanking those who had tipped them….giving a kiss to the cheek, and asking if a private dance would be liked. For each I had the same answer, “My wife only allowed me $40 to spend, so I reckon I’ll spend it on tipping you dancers and beer.” Another observation I had tonight was the way they tend to “dance for the dollar”. As I would take a seat next to the stage each girl would make her way over to were I was sitting and gyrate, shake her booty, and eventually spread her legs in front of me. The spreading of the legs usually included her placing a foot to each side of my shoulders and then pushing her crotch within an inch or two of my face. With all these girls, (as they would push their womanhood into my face) I would smell the lovely aroma of cheap perfume…..except for one….. This one chick had a smoking body. She was quite the looker. She even had the knee high white boots that seems to be a prerequisite for dancing at this particular club. Oh, she also only had four stretch marks, much fewer than some of the others. But one area she didn’t have in common was her scent. I sat there anxiously awaiting the “crotch in the face” move and when it happened…BAM!!…homegirl needed to douche in the worse way! She was stinking to high heaven. I actually had to turn my head as I placed the dollar beneath her garter. I am sure she noticed the sour look on my face as I slid the bill her direction. Then, after the dance, she had the nerve to come ask me for some “private time”….uh, no thanks stinky! The highlight of the 45 minutes I spent there was my cocktail waitress. I tell you, those strip club waitresses really work for their money. I had the pleasure of being waited on by Trudy, or Tess, or Tina…hell I can’t remember her name, but she was cool. She noticed my University of Tennessee T-shirt and ball cap and proceeded to tell me all about how she had her 4 year old daughter’s picture taken in a UT cheerleader’s uniform…purchased “down at the Wal-Marts”. She told me that her daughter’s daddy, one of three baby daddies mind you, was a BIG Tennessee fan and she wanted to make him happy, and maybe get some child support, by having the kid’s picture made in orange and white clothes. I tell you, what’s her name, was the high light of my time at the strip club. I left my friends there and proceeded to Chilli’s to eat some wings and have a couple more beers. A rain storm hit while I was there and messed up their computers, so the bartender gave me one beer for free. That was pretty sweet!! Well, it’s been more than three years since I have been to a strip club and I now have no desire to go to another again…at least not here in Alabama! If you are using your body to work for tips the least you can do is clean the cootch!! Can I get a Amen? I have a busy day tomorrow, then I will be heading home in the evening. I won’t have a chance to check messages until Thursday, so don’t be offended if I don’t respond via email right away as I usually do. I promise I will, plus I have another interesting story to share….remind me to tell you all about my experience in the shower Tuesday morning….I even have a picture to go along with it….funny (embarrassing) shit, I promise. You know you all like when I set myself up for embarrassment! Oh, I am also pissed I had to miss the third episode of Rescue Me tonight! TTYL…