What's "Up Chuck"?

“To squeeze the purple-headed yogurt-slinger, to slap the monkey, bopping the baloney, burping the worm, choking the chicken, cleaning your rifle, corking the bat, cranking the shank, cuffing the carrot, fisting your mister, flogging your dog, flogging the hog, to punch the clown in the nose, flogging the log, flute solo, jerkin’the gherkin, looping the mule, manual override, painting the pickle, pocket pinball, pocket pool, polishing the banister, polishing the rocket, pounding your flounder, pumping the python, roping the pony, spanking the monkey, teasing the weasel, whipping the willy…” Masturbation….everyone does it or has done it, right? Granted, some of us don’t have to do it as much as we used to, then there are some who do it a lot. I recently had a conversation with a fellow blogger about the first time we had personally discovered the wonderful world of “jerking off”, or “twirling the girl” as the case may be. Then many of you probably saw the above linked post by ESSFingers about her experiences with “self loving” this past weekend. It’s out there, it’s happening and I suppose it should (could?) be talked about. I am sure there are those of you who are thinking, “I don’t come to this blog to read about masturbating. I come here to read dumb ass stories about red necks named Alligator.” Well, if that’s the case, then I am sorry. You may want to move on now to the next blog on your list. In my recent conversation about this subject I shared a story about my early days practicing the art. My listener suggested I share this on my blog and suggested others do as well. So here goes…. I don’t exactly remember when I started masturbating, but I do remember how and who taught me. I will not share the how/who with you here, as it is too embarrassing to write. What I will share is some of my earliest memories of masturbation. In the seventh grade I began playing football in school. We would have practice after school and then one of my parents or a teammate’s parent would bring me home afterward. Before I could sit down to dinner I would be required to take a shower. The house we lived in at the time had a large walk-in shower. Lined with ceramic tile from floor to ceiling, it was probably five feet long by five feet wide. It was in this setting that I perfected the art of masturbation. In my worn out and tired state I would often find myself sitting on the tile floor of the shower, allowing the hot water to pour over my head and beat upon my neck and shoulders. As you can imagine, it was ever so relaxing. At some point, and I don’t remember the exact date, I discovered that it was possible for me to take advantage of this relaxed state and easily become aroused. Redirecting the water flow I could sit there, body completely wet, and use a slick substance to lube myself and not have to worry about the water washing it all away too soon. My substance of choice was Flex shampoo. For those of you who don’t know, Flex is a very affordable shampoo found anywhere you buy cheap hair products. My Mother, being the penny pincher she was/is, always bought this brand. It seemed there was a never ending supply of the stuff at my house growing up. With just the right amount of water and a big blob of Flex I could go to town. I would sit there, on the shower floor, choking my chicken and smelling the wonderful aroma of the shampoo. I tell you what, I can not smell Flex shampoo to this day without thinking of jacking off after football practice. Seriously….just a whiff of the stuff takes me back. With my goal in hand, it wouldn’t be long until I was aiming for the round grate in the shower floor and busting a big ass nut. It was my goal to get it done before I would hear my Mom pound on the bathroom door and yell for me to get out and stop wasting water. I would make it to the dinner table with clean, although wrinkled, fingers and hands. The next time you are at WalMart or a drug store open a bottle of Flex, take a deep smell and think of me!! So there you have it. I have presented here a little bit of info about The Chuckster you could probably have done without knowing. But it doesn’t end here…I want some input from you too. What I would like for you to do is share. Just from my “tell me about you” post it is obvious you folks like talking about yourself. To date there have been 50 comments on that post (keep ‘em coming), and I thank you. Now I want you to share with us here, or on your own blog, your fondest memories of masturbation. It could be your first time. It could be, like me, a particular way you did it. It could be a way you like to do it now. Anything is fine and nothing is taboo. Y’all share away! If you choose to chronicle your personal habit on your own blog, please let us know here in my comments so we can all come and take a peek into your private life. :-) Thank you for reading and thank you, in advance, for participating…